Trying to spice things up around the breakfast table? Here is something new and interesting: breakfast burgers! Boy Howdy!

too many noms to count. there are countlessly many noms here.

Not only are these breakfast burgers nutricious and delicious, they are uber easy to make. Follow these easy steps.

1) Make two too many bacon turkey burgers for dinner
2) Place said bonus burgers in a Rubbermaid container (here, I went for a 1L with rounded square edges)
3) Bring to work
4) Open container
5) Eat breakfast burgers at work, in the morning

***Note: breakfast burgers are best when enjoyed with multi-vitamin and coffee***

The best thing to happen to ketchup since the upside-down bottle thing:

NOMNOMNOM

For maximum high fructose corn syrup intake, you can dip shit in this thing or go old-school and squeeze this shit on other shit. Now, we just need to clear up the whole ketchup/catsup naming conundrum, and we’ll be good to go.

The future is here, my friends.

To whom it may concern at Nabisco,

I love your Triscuit wheat crackers. I am, however, confused by the spelling of “Triscuit.” Is this some sort of play on words with “biscuit?” When I think about whole grain crackers, bisquits do not come to mind. Also, your slogan is very retarded.

Regards,

Joe

Step 1) Tony Chachere’s the shit out of some Wheat Thins
Step 2) Costco pickle jar the shit out of some water

If there is one thing I like more than animated GIFs, it is buffalo burger. And I love me some animated Gifs…following that line of reasoning, I really love me some buffalo burger.

How about that slick guy^ ? And those slick burgers ^ ?

Here is The Perfect Buffalo Burger recipe:

Step 1) Place 1/2 lb ground buffalo in bowl
Step 2) Add a few shakes of Worcestershire sauce (feel free to substitute Gloucestershire, Dorchester, or any other German-sounding sauce)
Step 3) Toss in some bread crumbs…this will soak up what little fat there is, and keep the burgers from drying out
Step 4) Fire up the George Foreman Grill…knock that sucker out
Step 5) Cook until desired “done-ness” is achieved…I like my buffalo mooing, so two minutes per side is about perfect.
Step 6) Assemble, and enjoy.

Note:
DO NOT OVERCOOK BUFFALO… order/eat it a full level of done-ness below how you would beef. Trust me on this one.

Note 2:
UBUNTU RULES… try tossing an animated gif together using the trial version of Corel Paint that comes with your stupid Windows machine. The Gimp is free as always with Karmic Koala. Linux rules. Trust me on this one, too.

Fuck Funyons. I’m an Onyums guy.

Subject: The Queen of Soul Food, Sylvia

good sauce, great pitch-woman

Outcome: not-so-lady-like

Sylvia, c 2009, medium: sharpie/yellow notepad

Sylvia looks a lot like George Washington.

Kate and I went to all-you-can-eat-crab night at Looies last night…I’m 90% sure I overdid it. Not only from the standpoint of what is and is not socially acceptable to consume in a public setting, but more from the angle that I have gout, and this crap is horrible for my body.

delicous little bastards

So right now, my bloodstream is the site of a strange battle between ibuprofen and acids trying their best to crystalize. My toe is about 5000 degrees, but pain-free thus far. Godspeed, brave ibuprofen. Godspeed.

After seeing some terrible craigslist entries over the past few months, I decided to do a little experiment. Observe:

So I assumed this would get flagged as a joke…not the case. Thus far, I have received the following emails:

and

and my absolute favorite…

Good looking out, Ryan.