So, good news and bad news. Yin and Yang.
I managed to get my open drain setup working with the IOIO. Ytai was right…just needed to dump more current through the sucker and pull 5V from the board. See below:

On to the bad. I wasn’t pushing enough current to trigger my 120V relay…but before I could do some current calculations, my piece of shit Radio Shack multimeter finally gave out. How timely?
Not to worry…a quick trip to Lowes, and we have a new (much higher quality) Ideal DMM:
Your eyes aren’t fooling you…that is a thermocouple. Thermocouple and stand…pretty official.
I’ll get some calculations done and figure out where we are with this guy…pretty close!
I am a website crazy particular person and i feel bad for your multimeter.
This also really blows.